Snellville Beach tourism on decline

We are totally bummed out here at Snellville Beach. Snellville had the annual epic tree lighting ceremony yesterday, and so many people visited Snellville - We thought some of that visitor goodness would rub off on our beach. Ugh, that sounds gross, but you know what we mean - We thought more people would visit the beach.

Hang on a minute, and let me go check on our exact Snellville Beach visitor count for yesterday.

....just a minute.

still checking...

Okay, the figures are coming back now...



0. Zero.

Wait a minute, how could it be zero? I mean, I was there...no wait, I wasn't at Snellville Beach either. I was at the Snellville Christmas tree lighting too. Funny that I could forget that. Well, it's too cold and windy to be at the beach anyway.

Snellville Beach Sand Shortage

I am so sick and tired of people going to Snellville Beach and then coming home and tracking fictional sand all over my house! There must be someone I can contact about this. Sure, it's great to feel the sand beneath your toes, but leave it at Snellville Beach! The beach is running out of sand!  Let no one say to your shame that all was beauty here until you came.

Snellville Zoo?

Denise F. wrote in to the My Snellville Blog Facebook page about Snellville Zoo. I wasn't aware we had a zoo (we don't) but we also don't have a beach, and that hasn't stopped me from making a silly blog about it.

Denise says that Snellville Zoo is only about a mile from Snellville Beach. It would be great to go to the zoo and then hit the beach. What a day! I'm exhausted just thinking about the possibilities.

Please indulge me as I dip into reality for a moment. We don't have a zoo in Snellville, but we do have a wonderful game ranch called the Yellow River Game Ranch. The Game Ranch cares for many tame deer that visitors can hand-feed. They also have buffalo, a cougar, goats, donkeys, black bears and more. It's a great family outing.  From Snellville, head west (toward Stone Mountain) and the Yellow River Game Ranch  on US78 in Lilburn. You will see a large billboard with a stag on it. You will love your trip there. Make sure you take your camera!

Living the Snellville Beach lifestyle

What does it take to live the Snellville Beach lifestyle?

We'd really like it to cost a lot of money so we could limit the riff-raff...but although this beach is fictional, it's still in America. Sort of. So it's un-American to leave anybody out. Even Uncle Edwin. No matter how bad his body odor is.

So, we've purposely kept the cost of visiting Snellville Beach down. We want to preserve the freedom of anybody who wants to visit a non-existent beach.

After all, the Snellville Beach lifestyle is not something we can bottle up and sell at Sam's Club.

Although that would be wicked awesome.

Beach so hot sand has turned to glass

It has been so hot at Snellville Beach this past week that the sand has turned to glass. Now we're not really sure what to do about this development. For lack of a technical term, we would say we are "screwed, majorly."

We think will form a committee in order to send multiple "Reply All" emails to discuss what to do about it.  However, first we will need to form a committee to discuss whether we will form a committee. It's a long and complicated process.

Then we will need to figure out Parliamentary Procedure versus Robert's Rules of Order to run a meeting. Both of the books are really small, and I think one of them is behind the bookcase, covered in spiderwebs. That's really icky and will slow the process.

Once the book is extricated using kitchen tongs and dusted off, somebody will need to be designated to figure out what the hell a 'quorum' is. Nobody here knows Latin.

The committee may decide to hire a consultant, as that's worked out SO well before.

Again. Screwed. Majorly.

Snaily to retire to Snellville Beach

We at Snellville Beach are so excited about our newest resident!

We are happy to announce that Snaily the Snellville Snail has chosen beautiful scenic Snellville Beach as his place of retirement. Snaily and his wife Shelly decided on Snellville Beach because of convenience (it's only 20 minutes away from wherever you are) and the quiet atmosphere of Snellville Beach.

At a press conference with no-one in attendance, our ever intrepid albeit slow-moving hero Snaily disclosed that he loves to hear the non-existent waves crash against the shoreline, while Shelly loves the idea of living at the beach without really being at an actual beach. No sand between the toes if she had any toes, that sort of thing. That can get itchy, and it's hard to find anyone with the time or patience to pick sand out from between a snail's toes with a toothpick.

Said Snaily,

"Well, lemme tell ya, Snellville's lifted the ban on Sunday alcohol sales in restaurants, and Snellville's been good to me, but now Snellville is just zipping along at such a pace it's PASSED me by. I'm ready to go somewhere and relax. Snellville appreciates me, and I appreciate Snellville - but the time has come to leave the past behind."

We are so excited that Snaily will be here with us. We may even be able to make an exception for Free Beach Towel Day and actually give out a beach towel for Snaily. Of course in his case, it would probably just be a Post-It Note, and we'll take a Crayola marker and draw some lines on it to make it look like a beach towel. Maybe Snaily will fall for it. All I know is we can't just give out actual imaginary beach towels or Post It Notes willy-nilly.

Ruh roh, is Snellville Beach freshwater or salt-water? It might be saltwater. [sound effect of intake of breath through teeth] Let us speak no more of this unpleasantness.

I think he'll be safe here inside this blog. CLICK HERE if you'd like to catch up or review the Ongoing Saga of Snaily the Snellville Snail. There won't be a test on this material, but it never hurts to study anyway.

UPDATE: The sale of the 2010 City of Snellville Christmas ornaments featuring the snail have been delayed. For more details, see MySnellvilleBlog.

Rumors of eclipse on Snellville Beach unfounded

I don't know if you noticed yesterday afternoon, but it appeared that we had an eclipse on Snellville Beach. For a full 10 minutes, the entire beach was in shadow. We were confused for awhile, because we hadn't heard anything about an eclipse happening. Then we realized it was just Dolores. Once she moved to the side, we had the sun again. But it's nice to know, if you ever need a shady spot for about 15 or so people, you can always go stand next to Dolores. Or me.

It's Tuesday afternoon at Snellville Beach

It's Tuesday afternoon at Snellville Beach! And you know what that means....That's right! It's Tuesday afternoon at Snellville Beach.

That only leads to it being Wednesday morning the next day.
Another day closer to Free Beach Towel Day. We're all very excited.

Good morning from Snellville Beach

Good morning, it's a beautiful day here on Snellville Beach.

I found a few people buried in the sand -

I saw Kim, and pulled her up so she could get to class. I saw Laura and Christy, and pulled them both up so they can sell more real estate. I saw Shawn and pulled him up so he could go back to work on some coding.

I saw Joren Van der Sloot. I threw some more sand on top & re-buried him, along with that damn Jumanji game.

Snellville Beach unscathed by oil

We've received some questions regarding Snellville Beach's oil status. So far, Snellville Beach has remained clear of any oil. We don't expect to have any issues with the oil in any case, since there is no way the oil from the BP spill disaster can get into our reader's computers. Snellville Beach is only in this blog, so we feel we can be reasonably safe, at least for now. Unless Tony Hayward comes to my house, drenches a sponge with oil, and squeezes it over my computer. Nah.

Snellville Beach Is Shark Free

If you heard about the Snellville teenager who was bitten by a shark while vacationing at a Jacksonville, Florida beach (she's okay now, by the way) - Snellville Beach wants to assure you that an incident like that would never occur at Snellville Beach.

Largely because it's fictional, Snellville Beach has always been shark-free. Snellville Beach will continue to remain shark free. So please, feel free to cavort in Snellville Beach's invisible water, safe in the knowledge that you will not provide an ankle sandwich for a toothy denizen of the deep.

Competition with Snellville Farmers' Market

Photo by Kevin Kitchens

We've certainly counted less visitors to Snellville Beach since the Snellville Farmers' Market started on Saturday mornings. That's basically because we have been over at the Snellville Farmers' Market, and not on the beach counting people.

But I still wonder why somebody would want to go shopping for organic, healthy salad ingredients - when they could be at Snellville Beach soaking up harmful UV rays.

Snellville Beach is quiet

Hired Consultants to help us fix what's wrong
The amount of visitors to Snellville Beach has been declining lately. After paying a team of consultants huge amounts of money, they told me that I should hire another team of consultants to analyze the problem. So I spent an even more obscene amount of money to hire the new team of consultants. They came to the conclusion that Snellville Beach lacks visitors because Snellville Beach doesn't exist. Dangit! I probably should have realized that. Wished I had, before I spent all that money.

Rain in Snellville

After this morning's rain, all of Snellville is on the beach.

Hot today at Snellville Beach

Whew it's hot today at Snellville Beach and a nice breeze.

Sudden temperature drop at Snellville Beach reported

The temperature at Snellville Beach suddenly went down 10 degrees this past week, when Ms. Myra Bodacious stepped onto the sand. You see, Ms. Bodacious wears a Quadruple G bikini top size. That's GGGG (or G4), thus creating a large shady area.

The event reduced the beach temperature to 73 degrees. The lowered temperature decreased the turnout for our annual Free Beach Towel Day, but since we had no towels to give away, it didn't really matter.

If we decide to have another Free Snellville Beach Towel Day (and we should, since it's an annual event), we might think about actually ordering some beach towels. That would help the giveaway go much more smoothly, regardless of whether Ms. Bodacious decides to visit the Beach or not.

Free beach towel day at Snellville Beach

Grab a friend and come on out to Snellville Beach tomorrow and receive a free beach towel! Snellville Beach doesn't really exist, but don't worry - neither do the beach towels. So we recommend you not get wet, unless you bring your own towel.

What was the point of posting this if neither the beach or the towels exist? Honestly, I do not know. The good news is that this free beach towel day will be an annual event.

It's 83 degrees at Snellville Beach!

This has been a rough time at Snellville Beach, I've gotta be honest with y'all.

The weather in Snellville proper has been really cold, and tonight it's even snowing. Everyone is wondering if Gwinnett County Schools are going to close. Walton County Schools has announced closure on Friday.

So there's this cold, miserable, wet weather all around Snellville Beach - but you know, it can be as cold as it wants to be in the area around Snellville Beach, but it doesn't effect the weather here at the beach.

Amazingly, Snellville Beach rarely gets cooler than 83 degrees. There is some kind of magic weather pocket (MWP) here. I can't explain it, not sure if I can even try.

All I can say is, dayum, I love the coconut smell of my Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion, don't you?