Shortcut To Snellville Beach

Great news! There's now a shortcut to all the fun of Snellville Beach! First, read our easy directions, then go past midtown Snellville, which I loosely describe as somewhere between the Snellville Oaks Shopping Center and South Gwinnett High School. Stay within 35 MPH there, and maybe you won't see the shortcut to Snellville Beach, but you will avoid getting a ticket.

If you don't find Snellville Beach, not to worry. There's a Subway Restaurant, a Dunkin' Donuts, an AutoBell Car Wash, 3 auto parts stores (AutoZone, Advance, and Pep Boys), an insurance agent, an accountant, a Haverty's Furniture store, a Hobby Lobby & a K-Mart in that area. You'll find something.

PS - Don't forget that yet again, FREE BEACH TOWEL DAY is just around the corner. From somewhere.

Snellville Beach tourism on decline

We are totally bummed out here at Snellville Beach. Snellville had the annual epic tree lighting ceremony yesterday, and so many people visited Snellville - We thought some of that visitor goodness would rub off on our beach. Ugh, that sounds gross, but you know what we mean - We thought more people would visit the beach.

Hang on a minute, and let me go check on our exact Snellville Beach visitor count for yesterday.

....just a minute.

still checking...

Okay, the figures are coming back now...



0. Zero.

Wait a minute, how could it be zero? I mean, I was there...no wait, I wasn't at Snellville Beach either. I was at the Snellville Christmas tree lighting too. Funny that I could forget that. Well, it's too cold and windy to be at the beach anyway.

Snellville Beach Sand Shortage

I am so sick and tired of people going to Snellville Beach and then coming home and tracking fictional sand all over my house! There must be someone I can contact about this. Sure, it's great to feel the sand beneath your toes, but leave it at Snellville Beach! The beach is running out of sand!  Let no one say to your shame that all was beauty here until you came.

Snellville Zoo?

Denise F. wrote in to the My Snellville Blog Facebook page about Snellville Zoo. I wasn't aware we had a zoo (we don't) but we also don't have a beach, and that hasn't stopped me from making a silly blog about it.

Denise says that Snellville Zoo is only about a mile from Snellville Beach. It would be great to go to the zoo and then hit the beach. What a day! I'm exhausted just thinking about the possibilities.

Please indulge me as I dip into reality for a moment. We don't have a zoo in Snellville, but we do have a wonderful game ranch called the Yellow River Game Ranch. The Game Ranch cares for many tame deer that visitors can hand-feed. They also have buffalo, a cougar, goats, donkeys, black bears and more. It's a great family outing.  From Snellville, head west (toward Stone Mountain) and the Yellow River Game Ranch  on US78 in Lilburn. You will see a large billboard with a stag on it. You will love your trip there. Make sure you take your camera!

Living the Snellville Beach lifestyle

What does it take to live the Snellville Beach lifestyle?

We'd really like it to cost a lot of money so we could limit the riff-raff...but although this beach is fictional, it's still in America. Sort of. So it's un-American to leave anybody out. Even Uncle Edwin. No matter how bad his body odor is.

So, we've purposely kept the cost of visiting Snellville Beach down. We want to preserve the freedom of anybody who wants to visit a non-existent beach.

After all, the Snellville Beach lifestyle is not something we can bottle up and sell at Sam's Club.

Although that would be wicked awesome.

Beach so hot sand has turned to glass

It has been so hot at Snellville Beach this past week that the sand has turned to glass. Now we're not really sure what to do about this development. For lack of a technical term, we would say we are "screwed, majorly."

We think will form a committee in order to send multiple "Reply All" emails to discuss what to do about it.  However, first we will need to form a committee to discuss whether we will form a committee. It's a long and complicated process.

Then we will need to figure out Parliamentary Procedure versus Robert's Rules of Order to run a meeting. Both of the books are really small, and I think one of them is behind the bookcase, covered in spiderwebs. That's really icky and will slow the process.

Once the book is extricated using kitchen tongs and dusted off, somebody will need to be designated to figure out what the hell a 'quorum' is. Nobody here knows Latin.

The committee may decide to hire a consultant, as that's worked out SO well before.

Again. Screwed. Majorly.

Snaily to retire to Snellville Beach

We at Snellville Beach are so excited about our newest resident!

We are happy to announce that Snaily the Snellville Snail has chosen beautiful scenic Snellville Beach as his place of retirement. Snaily and his wife Shelly decided on Snellville Beach because of convenience (it's only 20 minutes away from wherever you are) and the quiet atmosphere of Snellville Beach.

At a press conference with no-one in attendance, our ever intrepid albeit slow-moving hero Snaily disclosed that he loves to hear the non-existent waves crash against the shoreline, while Shelly loves the idea of living at the beach without really being at an actual beach. No sand between the toes if she had any toes, that sort of thing. That can get itchy, and it's hard to find anyone with the time or patience to pick sand out from between a snail's toes with a toothpick.

Said Snaily,

"Well, lemme tell ya, Snellville's lifted the ban on Sunday alcohol sales in restaurants, and Snellville's been good to me, but now Snellville is just zipping along at such a pace it's PASSED me by. I'm ready to go somewhere and relax. Snellville appreciates me, and I appreciate Snellville - but the time has come to leave the past behind."

We are so excited that Snaily will be here with us. We may even be able to make an exception for Free Beach Towel Day and actually give out a beach towel for Snaily. Of course in his case, it would probably just be a Post-It Note, and we'll take a Crayola marker and draw some lines on it to make it look like a beach towel. Maybe Snaily will fall for it. All I know is we can't just give out actual imaginary beach towels or Post It Notes willy-nilly.

Ruh roh, is Snellville Beach freshwater or salt-water? It might be saltwater. [sound effect of intake of breath through teeth] Let us speak no more of this unpleasantness.

I think he'll be safe here inside this blog. CLICK HERE if you'd like to catch up or review the Ongoing Saga of Snaily the Snellville Snail. There won't be a test on this material, but it never hurts to study anyway.

UPDATE: The sale of the 2010 City of Snellville Christmas ornaments featuring the snail have been delayed. For more details, see MySnellvilleBlog.